Listening to Your Parents Now more than Ever….

Have you ever felt that the more you do for your elderly parent the more they are bent on stopping you from doing your job as a caregiver?  They seem bent on putting up road blocks to letting you just do the housework, the laundry, the groceries, cooking some meals, run errands or help them with the finances… No doubt your list is as long as your arm of things to do to help your parent live a clean and healthier life and your intentions are to help them stay in their own home with your help… 

Your time is limited with all the other duties you have at home, at work and caring for your own family… You know that part of your job as caregiver is to take care of chores and do the things your aging parent cannot do any more or just doesn’t do because of fatigue or general lack of attention to detail.   So when your parent wants you to forget all that work and just sit and talk, it can be very frustrating.  What is aggravating to you may be very important to your parent, maybe even more important than getting the laundry done.

Reality is….Anybody could do those things but there is only one you, their daughter, son or other loved one.  Although being a caregiver does require all the work above it also requires you to still be their loved one….. You are  close to the heart of your aging parent which makes you the one that will understand when she talks about things she is thinking or feeling that day or wants to reminisce about the past.  If you feel overwhelmed and unable to spend time just being with your loved one then realize it's time to hire someone else to do those chores so you can enjoy being with them again...

Spending time together is more important than doing laundry!

The value companionship to your parent during your visits is priceless and taking the time to do so will provide much needed comfort for both of you.  The emotional and family support you provide to your parent is central to his health, well being and feeling of who he is in the world.  He will be storing up dozens of little anecdotes and stories to share with you when you come over.  Sharing all of this with you, his loved one is key to their emotional health so it becomes vitally important for you to maintain your patience level as well as be a good listener.

Never underestimate the power of good listening skills. Focusing with attention on what a person is sharing with you give them a feeling of being loved.  A good listener doesn’t just let the other person talk and say “uh huh” every so often.  If you are just tolerating your parent as she shares little things with you, that will become apparent and be worse than if you didn’t talk to her at all.  The best way to fit your fellowship and relationship time around work time is to start out each visit with some time together just to talk. 

Perhaps you may start a new routine by every time you visit bringing lunch or a treat with you and making a pot tea to sit and chat for an hour before you get started on your many tasks. This is when you can focus all of your attention on what mom or dad has to say. 

Then at an appropriate time, you can ease your way into your tasks or ask what needs doing today. You can even offer to let them sit and keep chatting while you work.  Share what is going on in your life at the moment, such as work; news about the grandchildren, your siblings, and the world news and so on... keep their minds active and aware of the outside world. Remember you bring it to them.

 By being patient and open with your aging loved one and having good listening skills will allow them to open up to you about the important things going on in their lives.  

This will ensure you are aware and ready to move into the next phase of care giving when the time comes.

My Elderly Parent is Hiding Things from Me…

As in most roles in our lives, caregivers are forced to wear many different hats but one that they didn’t count on was to be an amateur detective.  Elderly people sometimes become more secretive and may be hiding a few things from you.  Typically there is some fear behind the secretiveness and becomes a new role for you to decipher what is really going on.

There are many reasons a senior would hide things from you…

.       A change in their health could mean you may start talking about moving them to a care facility

.       It may mean to them a loss of independence and that would mean that they are losing control

.       They do not want to burden or worry you

.       If they are in a retirement home, they may have to move if their status changes where they require more assistance

.       Financially they may fear their money will not last as long as they do

.       They may fear that someone is trying to take advantage of their finances and they would rather muddle through than share their suspicions with you

.       They may be embarrassed about changes such as forgetting things, being sucked into a scam or being incontinent

.       Depression is prevalent amongst seniors and goes undiagnosed often. It can lead to a change in their usual approach to life in general, how they typically deal with issues that arise, how they view situations as well as emotional capacity

Being Involved with your senior is key to protecting them!

The area we find seniors and their caregivers have the most issues around is finances.  Seniors tend to maintain a fierce independence around their finances and how they use their money.  However, being independent doesn’t translate into being wise in how your senior loved ones use their money.  As a caregiver, it can quickly become one of your jobs to look after your loved one’s financial well being ensuring the money is well spent.

There are plenty of horror stories about seniors becoming victims of scams and clever sales people who sell them a hope and a dream in exchange for their very real money.  You may not even be aware of this happening.  Your aging parents may become a victim of a scam or be taken advantage of until it’s too late.  Experience shows that too often they will not tell you they got ripped off. 

Becoming an Amateur Detective….

To help you build your new skills in detective work below are some signs you should watch out for…

.       Watch your parent’s mail.  If they are getting an unusually large amount of junk mail with get rich quick schemes, phony contests or other scams, its possible your parent has become a victim of a scam or may have been entering illegitimate contests.   

.       If there are more sales calls for offers or charities, then your parent may have already fallen pray to these kinds of calls and their name may be on a list or have been sold. If they have not posted their name on a Do Not Call list they may be receiving them from numerous sources.

.       Have you noticed an increase of junk items lying around their home that may have been used for “amazing gifts” or junk products?

.       Has your loved one suddenly become more protective of their finances and not want you seeing their credit card statement or their cheque book?

.       If they are email savvy, check their sent items folder to see if they have responded to any emails appearing like scams. This will open them up for more. While there check the deleted items folder as well.

.       Do they suddenly appear to be short of money, they could be having someone coming to their door and asking on behalf of charities – while many times this is real, others it may not be and your loved ones feel compelled to help or afraid if they don’t

.       Is there a new name of someone visiting them or coming to clean carpets, shoveling snow, delivering medications…?

.       Is she particularly defensive about letting you see any documents or other items or her activities?

.       Does she have new direct debits out of her account or credit card for unnecessary memberships or monthly deliveries that just don’t make sense?

It may take some gentle convincing to get your loved one to let you see some of these documents. Getting involved with scams, contests and get rich quick schemes has an addictive quality to it and even though she may have already fallen victim, she may still fall into the next trap.  A gentle approach on your part is always best.

The key is to gain her trust and have her feel comfortable with you in her books so you are able to question expenditures that appear suspicious. Earning trust in this area may take time however be as involved as possible in all areas of your loved ones life paying particular attention to their health and finances. Sharing with them how much more convenient and safe it is to have you assist them with their taxes, paying of bills and keeping scam artists away.

If a scam or theft has occurred you may opt to call your local police department and report it. Make it difficult for people to get money out of her account by adding your signature (getting proper legal advice for yourself and your loved one).  Right away, cancel all direct debits that are not easily identifiable.  Also, start getting control over the flow of junk mail, phone calls and emails.  By limiting access to your loved ones accounts and to her you will limit the possibility of falling victim again.