Listening to Your Parents Now more than Ever….

Have you ever felt that the more you do for your elderly parent the more they are bent on stopping you from doing your job as a caregiver?  They seem bent on putting up road blocks to letting you just do the housework, the laundry, the groceries, cooking some meals, run errands or help them with the finances… No doubt your list is as long as your arm of things to do to help your parent live a clean and healthier life and your intentions are to help them stay in their own home with your help… 

Your time is limited with all the other duties you have at home, at work and caring for your own family… You know that part of your job as caregiver is to take care of chores and do the things your aging parent cannot do any more or just doesn’t do because of fatigue or general lack of attention to detail.   So when your parent wants you to forget all that work and just sit and talk, it can be very frustrating.  What is aggravating to you may be very important to your parent, maybe even more important than getting the laundry done.

Reality is….Anybody could do those things but there is only one you, their daughter, son or other loved one.  Although being a caregiver does require all the work above it also requires you to still be their loved one….. You are  close to the heart of your aging parent which makes you the one that will understand when she talks about things she is thinking or feeling that day or wants to reminisce about the past.  If you feel overwhelmed and unable to spend time just being with your loved one then realize it's time to hire someone else to do those chores so you can enjoy being with them again...

Spending time together is more important than doing laundry!

The value companionship to your parent during your visits is priceless and taking the time to do so will provide much needed comfort for both of you.  The emotional and family support you provide to your parent is central to his health, well being and feeling of who he is in the world.  He will be storing up dozens of little anecdotes and stories to share with you when you come over.  Sharing all of this with you, his loved one is key to their emotional health so it becomes vitally important for you to maintain your patience level as well as be a good listener.

Never underestimate the power of good listening skills. Focusing with attention on what a person is sharing with you give them a feeling of being loved.  A good listener doesn’t just let the other person talk and say “uh huh” every so often.  If you are just tolerating your parent as she shares little things with you, that will become apparent and be worse than if you didn’t talk to her at all.  The best way to fit your fellowship and relationship time around work time is to start out each visit with some time together just to talk. 

Perhaps you may start a new routine by every time you visit bringing lunch or a treat with you and making a pot tea to sit and chat for an hour before you get started on your many tasks. This is when you can focus all of your attention on what mom or dad has to say. 

Then at an appropriate time, you can ease your way into your tasks or ask what needs doing today. You can even offer to let them sit and keep chatting while you work.  Share what is going on in your life at the moment, such as work; news about the grandchildren, your siblings, and the world news and so on... keep their minds active and aware of the outside world. Remember you bring it to them.

 By being patient and open with your aging loved one and having good listening skills will allow them to open up to you about the important things going on in their lives.  

This will ensure you are aware and ready to move into the next phase of care giving when the time comes.

My Elderly Parent is Hiding Things from Me…

As in most roles in our lives, caregivers are forced to wear many different hats but one that they didn’t count on was to be an amateur detective.  Elderly people sometimes become more secretive and may be hiding a few things from you.  Typically there is some fear behind the secretiveness and becomes a new role for you to decipher what is really going on.

There are many reasons a senior would hide things from you…

.       A change in their health could mean you may start talking about moving them to a care facility

.       It may mean to them a loss of independence and that would mean that they are losing control

.       They do not want to burden or worry you

.       If they are in a retirement home, they may have to move if their status changes where they require more assistance

.       Financially they may fear their money will not last as long as they do

.       They may fear that someone is trying to take advantage of their finances and they would rather muddle through than share their suspicions with you

.       They may be embarrassed about changes such as forgetting things, being sucked into a scam or being incontinent

.       Depression is prevalent amongst seniors and goes undiagnosed often. It can lead to a change in their usual approach to life in general, how they typically deal with issues that arise, how they view situations as well as emotional capacity

Being Involved with your senior is key to protecting them!

The area we find seniors and their caregivers have the most issues around is finances.  Seniors tend to maintain a fierce independence around their finances and how they use their money.  However, being independent doesn’t translate into being wise in how your senior loved ones use their money.  As a caregiver, it can quickly become one of your jobs to look after your loved one’s financial well being ensuring the money is well spent.

There are plenty of horror stories about seniors becoming victims of scams and clever sales people who sell them a hope and a dream in exchange for their very real money.  You may not even be aware of this happening.  Your aging parents may become a victim of a scam or be taken advantage of until it’s too late.  Experience shows that too often they will not tell you they got ripped off. 

Becoming an Amateur Detective….

To help you build your new skills in detective work below are some signs you should watch out for…

.       Watch your parent’s mail.  If they are getting an unusually large amount of junk mail with get rich quick schemes, phony contests or other scams, its possible your parent has become a victim of a scam or may have been entering illegitimate contests.   

.       If there are more sales calls for offers or charities, then your parent may have already fallen pray to these kinds of calls and their name may be on a list or have been sold. If they have not posted their name on a Do Not Call list they may be receiving them from numerous sources.

.       Have you noticed an increase of junk items lying around their home that may have been used for “amazing gifts” or junk products?

.       Has your loved one suddenly become more protective of their finances and not want you seeing their credit card statement or their cheque book?

.       If they are email savvy, check their sent items folder to see if they have responded to any emails appearing like scams. This will open them up for more. While there check the deleted items folder as well.

.       Do they suddenly appear to be short of money, they could be having someone coming to their door and asking on behalf of charities – while many times this is real, others it may not be and your loved ones feel compelled to help or afraid if they don’t

.       Is there a new name of someone visiting them or coming to clean carpets, shoveling snow, delivering medications…?

.       Is she particularly defensive about letting you see any documents or other items or her activities?

.       Does she have new direct debits out of her account or credit card for unnecessary memberships or monthly deliveries that just don’t make sense?

It may take some gentle convincing to get your loved one to let you see some of these documents. Getting involved with scams, contests and get rich quick schemes has an addictive quality to it and even though she may have already fallen victim, she may still fall into the next trap.  A gentle approach on your part is always best.

The key is to gain her trust and have her feel comfortable with you in her books so you are able to question expenditures that appear suspicious. Earning trust in this area may take time however be as involved as possible in all areas of your loved ones life paying particular attention to their health and finances. Sharing with them how much more convenient and safe it is to have you assist them with their taxes, paying of bills and keeping scam artists away.

If a scam or theft has occurred you may opt to call your local police department and report it. Make it difficult for people to get money out of her account by adding your signature (getting proper legal advice for yourself and your loved one).  Right away, cancel all direct debits that are not easily identifiable.  Also, start getting control over the flow of junk mail, phone calls and emails.  By limiting access to your loved ones accounts and to her you will limit the possibility of falling victim again.

Deciphering Day Program Options

Deciphering day programs between each other, homecare choices and retirement vs. nursing home options family caregivers can find it confusing and daunting in fact to find the right fit for their loved ones and their own family.  Acknowledging that you require assistance is the first step and then educating yourself and your loved one with the right information is the next. Exploring your options will assist you better to make the right decision for you and your family.

When exploring Adult Day Programs you will find some geared specifically toward elders; others also serve younger people who have some types of cognitive or physical limitations. Many programs are geared to serve individuals with memory loss, Alzheimer’s Disease or other dementia related issues.

Types of Adult Day Programs

Programs vary in type, such as:

· Who they serve

· The hours they are open

· Services offered

· Size of facility

· Staff qualifications and training

· Allowing for caregiver involvement

· Opportunity to have healthcare needs met with staff

· Clinical options

· Healthcare monitoring

Adult Day Programs provide engaging social and recreational activities, companionship, and meals, along with personal care for each participant. A program that develops individual care plans for each person is ideal.  Taking into consideration the activities that an individual is interested in enhances their enjoyment of the program.  Activities may include art projects, gardening, reminiscence groups, bingo, card and trivia games, journaling, exercise, book club, jewellery making and other workshops. For many, the friendships that develop become an ongoing source of joy and meaning in their lives.

Adult Day Health Care Programs also provide a medical component and are for those with more intensive health and therapeutic needs. For those that do not qualify for a regular day program this is a viable option, the issue becomes finding one. Incontinence is a big issue with elders and many programs simply can’t handle this need. Medical and non-medical services may include nursing care or personal support. A nurse is part of the program to monitor health status. Depending on the need an option to have extra nursing, personal support, physical therapy, speech therapy, mental health support as well as other clinical support is in place.  This program is available

This Program also serves the frail elderly who meet eligibility criteria for nursing home-level care but are waiting on list. During this time they are able to come to the program during the day and have all aspects of the care they require.

Proven benefits for participants

·         Adult Day Health Programs provide essential health monitoring and medical services. Due to professional training and on-going contact with participants, staff often identify health and compliance problems before they become a crisis.

·         In one study, emergency room activity decreased by 56%, total hospitalizations decreased by 75%, falls decreased by 72%, and mental status was improved or maintained in 69% of participants after six months attendance at an adult day health program.

·         The overwhelming majority of frail elders prefer to live in their own home or the home of a family member. These programs help make this possible for many. Assistance with door-to-door transportation to and from the program may be arranged for you.

·         Those living alone find relief from isolation and depression in a supportive environment. Shared noon meals can stimulate appetite.  Some programs include the option of meals or bring your own.

·         Still others are able to live with family members because attendance at a program allows the primary caregiver(s) to continue to work, to meet other responsibilities, and to avoid caregiver burnout.  

More Affordable than You Think!

·        Since more than 80% of caregiving for the elderly and disabled is done by family members, Adult day programs provide respite for family members, which helps to keep caregivers with their responsibilities and keeps elders at home. Programs also serve an educational function, support groups, workshops and talks on self-care and caregiving skills is essential to caregiver health.

·        The financial burden of long-term care is another major challenge, and stressor, for many families. Adult day programs offer care at a fraction of the cost of home care, nursing homes, or assisted living alternatives. Adult day programs with a health care component are an even better alternative. Private pay rates can be from $30/day for adult day care and $60/day for adult day health care vs. $25-$30 an hour for homecare or $2800-$4500 a month for retirement homes. Subsidy programs can further reduce out-of-pocket costs at both types of programs.

Encouraging someone to attend adult day care

Adult Day Centers offer activities and care to those with mild to moderate symptoms. The cost is usually modest, compared with in-home care or retirement home. This issues caregivers deal with is convincing their family members to attend and the guilt feelings they may experience for shared caregiving. Following these simple steps may help you:

1. Convince yourself first. Understanding that you require assistance with caregiving is necessary for your own health and finding the right program will enhance your relationship and life enjoyment.

2. Ask for referrals to local programs from your doctor, your local CCAC or other professionals on your care team, look online or in the phone book.  Once you find one book a tour, to see what might interest your family member and to discuss any obstacles you anticipate. Staff are experts at working with reluctant people to attend, and managing newcomer anxiety. 

3.  Look for a program that offers the hours your require, will work with you on caring for your loved ones needs and one that offers caregiver support as well...

4. Develop a convincing reason for attendance. What would your reason and their reason be… Some people attend because they see the center as their “Club” or as “class.” Some go for a particular activity, or to be with a new friend. Some attend to help others, as a volunteer would. Ask other family members, your doctor or other sources that the senior would trust.

5. Schedule your family member’s visit when there is an activity (e.g., music, crafts, exercise, or discussion) that they might enjoy and try out on the spot. Then meet with the nurse or other staff to have their assessment done all in one day. Too many visits can create confusion and anxiety. Maybe you can attend with them the first time or let them know that you are also going to be attending your own workshops at the centre.

6. Take one step at a time. The objective of the first, short visit is simply to have the person agree to return for a day. Don’t push too hard; use a Try-it-and-see approach.

7. Be firm. Initially, the person may enjoy going, but complain to you of being unhappy. Don’t argue. Next day just assume that you will return. Try saying, “They are expecting you today,” or “I want you to go for a little while,” or “Let’s talk about that later.”

8. Possibly find someone who can take him or her, who has influence with your family member to do things.

9. Start with a few, short days. Two visits a week is a minimum for someone with memory loss. Short days are less taxing for newcomers. When the routine becomes comfortable, you can add days. It can take time to adjust.

10. Reinforce the positive. Support any positive experiences that your family member has or that you or staff noticed.

11. When a person is too agitated it becomes counterproductive. Some find that trying again after a few weeks is more successful.

Recommendation:  for a Adult Day Health Care Program - go to www.fulllifecentre.com or call Anna 905.436.2772 for a tour.

Factors to help you decide if adult day care is needed

How do you know when it’s time to seek assistance in caring for your loved one? Are you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, confused by the feelings of guilt, sure that you are the only one that can do it, tired or physically drained? Self imposed feelings of guilt... thinking no one else can help... telling yourself your loved one is not that bad... expecting that you can do it all yourself, are all commendable, but very wrong.

When caring for a loved one long term factors should be considered such as:                 

·         If something happens to you, who will take care of 'Mom'... 'Dad'... 'Spouse – preparing for unforeseen issues can decrease stress and guilt.  

·         How much personal time do you have left in a day for you? Caring for the caregiver is essential to their overall health and wellbeing.

·         With roles now being reversed – how do you adjust with the family now deciding what is best? Caregivers also need to understand the adjustments being made.

·         How much outside stimulation does your loved one get? Giving your loved one the benefit of some outside stimulation has many health benefits.

·         Waiting until the last minute to find the help can ensure your loved one doesn’t get the appropriate care or must go to a facility instead of keeping them home. Having help through homecare or day program if able will keep them at home longer.

·         Being involved in an active daytime program for the adult benefits them and their family and allows for more enjoyment by all of each other, gives you both an outlet and something to look forward to.

Why would caregivers hesitate to get a family member started in an adult day program?

Comments heard from family members after they learn about adult day care programs include 'Mom is too good for day care'... 'Dad is better than the others attending'... 'my Spouse was never very sociable'…’we just don’t have that extra money’… ‘I can take care of them myself’.  Does this sound familiar?  You are not alone, however you are not doing yourself or your loved one any favours by making up excuses as to why it won’t work before you try!

In choosing a program and center, think about your family member's needs as well as your own. Consider the available physical or other therapies, socialization opportunities, recreational activities, health monitoring and personal care services from which your family member might benefit. Programs offering these services provide the caregiver with free time, coverage while working and emotional support. These services can alleviate stress, improve time management for you and your family as well as provide a much needed break from each other.

All too often, families or caregivers ignore the importance of looking after their own needs such as handling work commitments or taking some 'time off'. It is understandable that they are hesitant about having a family member cared for by others but assistance with their care giving responsibilities is a necessity.

Sadly, the reluctance to attend typically rests with the family.

Experience has shown that individuals attending a Center will readily adapt to the routine and respond positively to the social interaction with others. Sadly, the reluctance to attend typically rests with the family.

By not encouraging your loved one to stay as active as possible and interacting with others outside of their usual surroundings typically results in having to face the truly life changing decision regarding your family member much sooner than expected... the decision regarding nursing home or group home placement. By comparison, the decision to get them started in a program is one that is so much easier to make and really does provide everyone with so much more than expected! 

Where do I start?

Working with a Care Team to assess your loved ones needs is essential as well as taking into consideration the family needs, lifestyle and schedule.  Look for a centre that offers this service and works with the family so everyone feels comfortable and taken care of.

Adult day programs offer day-time care for adults with disabilities and seniors with physical, mental and cognitive needs a comfortable group setting that is suited to their needs. Often serving as an alternative to nursing home care, these programs provide social and health services, engaging activities, gentle exercise in a safe, caring environment. Transportation assistance may also available or a connection to a local service may be provided.

Research studies have shown that regular attendance may decrease an individual’s chance of falling or having an accident that would require a visit to a hospital or an Emergency Room. Professional hands on care would monitor your loved ones health status and would be able to see when changes are occurring, therefore assisting you to know when to seek necessary medical care. 

Looking for a day program that is suitable can take some research, time as you visit them and decisions on your part to determine the best one.  When looking for a suitable one make sure to visit them and take a tour, taking your time to ensure that the services they offer are in line with they amount of assistance you require. Research the internet for programs in your area, ask for referrals from friends, read local senior magazines or newspapers, speak to your doctor or other health professional, ask your visiting nurse, call your local CCAC, call a local chapter of a society of association such as Alzhiemer's, Heart & Stroke, Cancer Society and keep a list to call them all.

The best policy is to take the time, tour the programs and speak to the directors.

Recommended:  www.fulllifecentre.com