Dealing With Guilt..

If the job of being a caregiver only involved giving help to your aging parent such as doing the dishes, visiting and helping fill out the paperwork they are having trouble seeing or understanding, your life would be considerably easier.  And if that were the case, even if there was a lot to do, the problem of caregiver burn out would not be such an issue.

The real drain on you and your loved one you are caring for often comes in the emotional sense that the care giving relationship brings with it.  Because the “assumed understanding” of the care giving relationship is based on the extended giving of a very large favor, guilt becomes a common element in every aspect of the time you spend with your aging parent for both of you…

The once independent senior feels guilty for asking you for the help and feels a loss of control at the same time.  The situation becomes strange for them because in most cases, they never asked.  You may have stepped in because you saw your loved one’s life beginning to unravel and you knew that someone had to help get their life organized.  And yet, the senior feels a lot of guilt because huge amounts of time that is taken away form your family and maybe your work to do things for him unpaid.

It doesn’t help that the time of transition from independence to assisted care is one of huge loss of self esteem for your aging parent.  Tremendous changes that happen in rapid order for your loved one seem to happen in areas of life that have remained unchanged for decades.  Negative emotions arise for them, depression and guilt come with changes such as illness that may force them into assisted living, or living with you, having a caregiver come in to do personal care, loss of their home, loss of mobility because they cannot drive or require mobility devices, confusion and of course a loss of independence because everything is being done for them. However unfounded, guilt makes its appearance as they realize that they are growing old and require care from someone else when they have taken care of themselves and possibly a family for years…

Guilt is also an issue for you, the caregiver.  There always seems to be something more you could be doing for your parents.  It doesn’t help if that the senior you are caring for becomes more demanding and may say things such as “I wish you didn’t have to leave” or by complaining about their lives and getting angry. 

So what can be done about all of this guilt?  Guilt doesn’t serve anyone nor does it make the relationship better.  It certainly does not improve the quality of life for the caregiver or the senior being cared for.  Learning to cope with those feelings is paramount to both parties mental health.

Probably the most proactive thing you can do about guilt is confront it directly.  Sit down with your aging mom or dad and get those guilt feelings out in the open.  It’s not their fault they got old.  Your parent should not feel guilty about being cared for by you.  After all they cared for you for decades.

By removing guilt from the relationship you both have more enjoyment out of your new roles and promote health and happiness in this stage of a senior’s life.  Your enjoyment of spending time with them increases. By learning not to put guilt on each other, you become a team in care giving, not combatants.   Seeking professional help from a counselor to help you all realize an easier way to cope, find support groups in your area and talking to each other are all ways of working through guilt. 

Positive steps toward a healthy senior and caregiver relationship will give you many joyous moments and allow you both to enjoy.  For caregiver support groups and counseling please go to www.fulllifecentre.com