Dealing With Guilt..

If the job of being a caregiver only involved giving help to your aging parent such as doing the dishes, visiting and helping fill out the paperwork they are having trouble seeing or understanding, your life would be considerably easier.  And if that were the case, even if there was a lot to do, the problem of caregiver burn out would not be such an issue.

The real drain on you and your loved one you are caring for often comes in the emotional sense that the care giving relationship brings with it.  Because the “assumed understanding” of the care giving relationship is based on the extended giving of a very large favor, guilt becomes a common element in every aspect of the time you spend with your aging parent for both of you…

The once independent senior feels guilty for asking you for the help and feels a loss of control at the same time.  The situation becomes strange for them because in most cases, they never asked.  You may have stepped in because you saw your loved one’s life beginning to unravel and you knew that someone had to help get their life organized.  And yet, the senior feels a lot of guilt because huge amounts of time that is taken away form your family and maybe your work to do things for him unpaid.

It doesn’t help that the time of transition from independence to assisted care is one of huge loss of self esteem for your aging parent.  Tremendous changes that happen in rapid order for your loved one seem to happen in areas of life that have remained unchanged for decades.  Negative emotions arise for them, depression and guilt come with changes such as illness that may force them into assisted living, or living with you, having a caregiver come in to do personal care, loss of their home, loss of mobility because they cannot drive or require mobility devices, confusion and of course a loss of independence because everything is being done for them. However unfounded, guilt makes its appearance as they realize that they are growing old and require care from someone else when they have taken care of themselves and possibly a family for years…

Guilt is also an issue for you, the caregiver.  There always seems to be something more you could be doing for your parents.  It doesn’t help if that the senior you are caring for becomes more demanding and may say things such as “I wish you didn’t have to leave” or by complaining about their lives and getting angry. 

So what can be done about all of this guilt?  Guilt doesn’t serve anyone nor does it make the relationship better.  It certainly does not improve the quality of life for the caregiver or the senior being cared for.  Learning to cope with those feelings is paramount to both parties mental health.

Probably the most proactive thing you can do about guilt is confront it directly.  Sit down with your aging mom or dad and get those guilt feelings out in the open.  It’s not their fault they got old.  Your parent should not feel guilty about being cared for by you.  After all they cared for you for decades.

By removing guilt from the relationship you both have more enjoyment out of your new roles and promote health and happiness in this stage of a senior’s life.  Your enjoyment of spending time with them increases. By learning not to put guilt on each other, you become a team in care giving, not combatants.   Seeking professional help from a counselor to help you all realize an easier way to cope, find support groups in your area and talking to each other are all ways of working through guilt. 

Positive steps toward a healthy senior and caregiver relationship will give you many joyous moments and allow you both to enjoy.  For caregiver support groups and counseling please go to www.fulllifecentre.com

Choosing Day Programs as a Means of Caring for Loved Ones

Today, 80% of care for the elderly and disabled adults is provided by family members. Adult day programs help family caregivers maintain their balance by providing a safe, dignified place for their loved one to spend the day, and by allowing the caregiver to continue to work outside the home, attend to other household duties, or take a needed break.
When caring for a loved one you have choices. Choosing between homecare, nursing or retirement homes, having your loved one live with you are all viable solutions to assist you with caring for them in the best way possible.  Add to that list Day Programs that can give families peace of mind, knowing that their loved one is enjoying companionship and care which allows them to handle their daily commitments without worry or interruption. Most importantly, participation in an adult day program allows the individual to remain in the community enabling their families to continue caring for them at home.

The deep funding cuts in homecare, lack of available beds in long term care facilities and the push to keep hospital beds empty has made caring for elders at home either in their own homes or moving in with family members the method of choice.  This does entail digging into your pockets to help fund the necessary additions in care to assist elders to stay in their homes. However, families in this situation are finding it increasingly difficult as they spread themselves thinner with existing commitments in their lives, caring for their loved ones and trying to find a balance in it all. There is no getting away from it this situation will add a heaping helping of stress whichever way you look at it.

There are solutions that can help ease the stress, care for elders and stretch the money so it lasts longer.  Working with a professional that can assist you to look at the overall needs, available options and put a plan into place that will best suit your situation. 

Let’s take a look at a scenario:

Scenario #1:

Susan moved her mother (85) in with her after a few years of caring for her mother in her own home became difficult.  Mom was becoming increasingly confused, started to fear staying alone in her home, calling Susan at night because of noises she heard or not feeling well and was not eating. Susan’s mom is a diabetic, has high blood pressure, poor eyesight, is experiencing some hearing loss and walks with a walker due, has had a knee replacement 10 years previous and is experiencing pain again in her knees.  Susan worries about her mom being alone on a daily basis even in her home – mom left the burner on all day last week, left the refridgerator open, unlocked the door and left it open when someone came to the door. Susan works full time, has 3 children ages 10-16 who are active in school, activities such as dance, hockey and band and they are busy with activities of daily living.  She has some funded homecare hours and has topped it up paying privately within her budget… but she still has hours where she is alone.. She needs another solution… Help!!!

Susan is receiving 5 funded hours a week which she has a PSW coming in first thing in the morning to bathe her mom and assist her with her morning care.  She pays for another 10 hours a week spread out having a PSW coming in at lunch time to check on her mom and another at bedtime to help her get ready for bed.  On the weekends Susan helps her mother get up and going, prepares her meals, takes her to appointments such as hair, cleans, runs the kids around, does her grocery shopping and all other errands she needs to do to raise a family and keep a household going.

Susan realizes she needs to increase the hours she pays for privately in order to keep her mother safe by another 5 at least.  However she really feels that she needs someone with her all day now. She fears she will let someone in the house, is not eating, needs more than 1 hour to get bathed and dressed in the morning and just feels she should not be alone all day.  

Susan currently pays: $24.00 per hour x 10 hours weekly = $240.00 (+HST) or $960.00 per month.

If she was to increase it to 8 hours a day she would then take on the evening care of getting mom ready for bed and move that hour to the day so she would need to increase by 5 hours a day at a cost of $24.00 per hour x 25 hours weekly = $600.00 (+HST)

Using her 1 hour of funded time + her existing 2 hours she pays for + 5 more gives her 8 hours for a cost of $840.00 per week or approximately $3360 per month. 

Her mother’s pension is not enough to cover the extra costs, Susan can barely make ends meet with her own expenses and can’t increase her salary any more at this point in time – she needs a solution!

Solution to Scenario #1

Susan toured Full Life Centre, a brand new day program that includes full assessments, stimulating programs, social interaction, hands on care if needed, clinical therapies and programs to assist caregivers as well.  While there she met with a director who helped her see she does have options.  FLC could care for her mother’s physical and emotional needs while protecting her from harm and assisting her with her medications for a full day saving her money!

FLC Option:

Full day Program = 8:00am – 5:00pm (Drop in rate is $25 per day but Susan needs 5 days a week which drops the rate to $19.99 per day = $399.99 per month)

This enables Susan to use her 5 funded hours to get her mom ready in the morning while she attends to her own needs and gets her children ready for school.

Now Susan, knows her mother requires alittle extra help toileting so she has the option of paying for personal care additional time at the centre which she only needs 1 hour of care during the day split into 4x 15 minutes at a cost of $20 per day = $100.00 per week. 

Susan drops her mom off on the way to work with a packed lunch and picks her up at 4:30pm on her way home.  Susan feels so relieved that her mother is taken care of during the day that it is a pleasure to assist her with her bedtime care. Susan feels less stressed our and feels a load of worry is off her shoulders. 

Her new costs = $399.99 per month + $100 per week of care= $799.99 saving her $260 per week. 

This solution may not be for everyone however FLC can be an extension of your care team and provide much needed respite without breaking the bank.  Give them a call for a tour and a meeting to see what they can do to help you and your family enjoy this time of your life..

Contact info: www.fulllifecentre.com or 905.436.2772